- ¶ hey ¶
¶ i feel like i'm famous ¶
- ¶ chill ¶
- ¶ we don't need no money ¶
- ¶ chill ¶
- ¶ we don't need no time ¶
- ¶ chill ¶
- ¶ we don't need no girl ¶
- ¶ chill ¶
- ¶ we don't need no dime ¶
- I feel like, bringing my show to vegas,
I wanted to just embody what showbiz is all about.
- ¶ thrill, thrill, like you famous ¶
¶ jump, jump like you famous ¶
- I remember being 11 years old
At a talent show/audition.
I remember i had my cross colors on.
I had this huge yellow shirt.
It was like 17 sizes too big, with some green pants
And my entire set was about roaches, uh,
Michael jackson, and bad breath.
Why is it that people with bad breath
Always got so much to say?
[Laughter]
I was a little nervous, but i left out of there
With a standing ovation, and from that moment,
I was like, this is what i want to do with my life.
By the time i was 15 years old,
I was a professional comic.
So i'm 30 years old
And i'm doing my first stand-Up comedy special.
This is my opportunity.
If it all ended today, what's the one thing
That i haven't gotten a chance to do
In the world of entertainment?
And it's my stand-Up special.
It's really getting out there and letting people know
That i'm a comic at heart.
I wanted to go back to the way i used to do stand-Up,
When i was a teenager, being on the road,
And i wanted to put an amazing act together.
We're in south carolina.
We're in rhode island.
We're going straight to the airport
To get on a plane to minneapolis.
I do america's got talent in the morning,
Get back on the plane,
Back here for two more shows tomorrow night.
- ¶ when this beat drops ¶
¶ let 'em know who you are ¶
- Early morning comedy. They still standing up.
- And i need everybody to get up out your seats.
Are y'all ready for this?
- So to be here now, getting ready to go out there
And present that work that i've been cultivating
For the last year...
- Put your hands together.
- It's a feeling like no other.
It's this angst that you just really want to just
Go out there and just say, "look.
"This--This is me.
This is who i've become."
- And give it up for mr. Showbiz...
- Feel like this is gonna be the first time
That people really get to know who nick cannon is.
- Nick cannon!
[Cheers and applause]
- ¶ i feel like i'm famous ¶
- ¶ chill ¶ - ¶ we don't need no money ¶
- ¶ chill ¶
- ¶ we don't need no time ¶
- ¶ chill ¶ - ¶ we don't need no girl ¶
- ¶ chill ¶
- ¶ we don't need no dime ¶
- ¶ chill ¶ - ¶ we don't need no girl ¶
- ¶ chill ¶
- ¶ we don't need no time ¶
- ¶ chill ¶ - ¶ when the beat drops ¶
¶ show 'em you're a superstar ¶
- ¶ bam bam, like you're famous ¶
¶ jump, jump like you're famous ¶
¶ shake it, shake it like you're famous ¶
¶ dance, dance like you're famous ¶
¶ break it, break it like you're famous ¶
¶ pump it, pump it like you're famous ¶
¶ move it, move it like you're famous ¶
¶ oh, look guess i'm famous ¶
[Record needle scratching vinyl]
[Cheers and applause]
- Y'all see the big mexican pick me up
When i was walking up here?
[Cheers and applause]
What's your name, man?
- Cody! - Cody?
[Laughter]
Ain't no mexican name.
I wanted you to be, like, joker, or...
[Laughter]
Little puppet.
[Laughter]
Cody.
[Laughter]
Thanks for picking me up, cody.
[Laughter]
What's up? Look good. Boy, i tell ya.
Outstanding. Aw, look at this love right here, y'all.
Aw, look at that. They all hugged up.
It's like, y'all are wooed. Y'all married?
Both: yeah.
- And you still close to each other.
That's beautiful. Beautiful.
How long y'all been married? - A long time.
- He don't even know. "A long time."
[Laughter]
It's all good. What's your name, man?
- Todd. - Todd.
[Laughter]
Of course your name is todd.
[Laughter]
Todd, and i run a marketing firm.
[Laughter]
What's your lovely wife's name?
- Tammy. - Tammy.
[Laughter]
Tammy and todd.
[Laughter]
You guys get the award
For the whitest names of the night.
[Laughter]
[Cheers and applause]
You can just see they christmas card.
"Tammy and todd."
[Laughter]
"This is our dog wilbur."
[Laughter]
"And we let him sleep in the bed with us."
[Laughs]
She's like, "yep."
[Laughter]
Ooh, i know. Tammy and todd.
Y'all look--Y'all look-- Oh, it's good
To see a happy couple.
You got you a nice, handsome man and everything.
That's nice, you know?
I mean, i ain't hittin' on you or nothin', todd.
No homo, you know.
[Laughter]
She's like, "homo--Homeowner?
Of course i'm a homeowner. I'm white."
[Laughter]
Nah, no, homo is like a term we use
In the hip-Hop community, 'cause, you know,
We can be a little homophobic at times in hip-Hop.
So, "no homo" is like a "get out of gay free" card.
You know what i mean?
It allows two heterosexual men
To compliment one another
Without their being any confusion.
I could be like, "hey, todd, man,
"I really like how that shirt looks on you.
No homo."
[Laughter]
And there's no confusion, right?
We good. Exactly.
But then there's just some stuff that "no homo" don't work on.
You know what i mean?
Like i can't be like, "hey, man,
I like how your balls look in them jeans."
[Laughter]
"No homo" don't work on that.
That's--That's just gay right there.
It's okay, i don't have to worry about that
Because i'm a happily married man.
Yeah.
Three years, going strong.
[Cheers and applause]
And my wife is about to give birth any day now.
[Cheers and applause]
Yeah, for y'all that don't know,
I am married to mariah carey.
[Cheers and applause]
Look at the old-School player.
"No, you ain't married to no damn mariah carey."
[Laughter]
"I be a monkey's uncle
If you married to mariah carey."
That's for real. People still don't believe it.
"Hell, nah. Little boy from drumline?
Hell, nah, man."
I tell ya, i can't blame y'all though, man,
'Cause i probably wouldn't believe it either
If it wasn't me.
Oh, for real, 'cause that's-- That's kind of hard to believe
When you think about it, you know what i mean?
That's like somebody coming up to me
And being like, "hey, man, you heard
Halle berry married soulja boy?"
[Laughter]
Yeah, this nigga, man. Him. This...
[Laughter]
And the thing about being married
To one of the most famous people in the world,
It's beautiful, but people just feel like
They can come up to me and say whatever they want to say
About my wife to my face.
"Man, oh, shoot, you married to mariah?
Shoot, you don't know what to do with all that."
[Laughter]
"Dude, if it was me, i'd have mariah
Hitting high notes every night."
[Laughter]
"Like, dang, dad."
[Laughter]
"Separating y'all at the family reunion."
[Laughter]
It's beautiful, though, man.
And it never cease to fail, every day, though,
I get the exact same question.
Be like, "how in the world did you get mariah carey?"
Nigga, i don't know.
[Laughter]
I don't.
It's like my life turned out
Like a really good game of máaásáh.
Y'all remember máaásáh,
The little junior high school notebook paper game?
Remember mansion, apartment, shack, house?
Then you do the little thing in the middle with the paper.
Yeah, you know what i'm talking about.
Then you had to, like, pick, like, you know,
The cars that you wanted,
The four cars when you grew up.
You start off all aspirational.
Lamborghini, ferrari.
Then you got your little more realistic nissan sentra.
Yearlong bus pass.
[Laughter]
And then you have to pick the four fantasy people
You want to marry when you grow up.
Number one on my list, mariah carey.
[Cheering]
I won.
[Laughter]
But then you had to have backups too.
Remember that?
You know, you had to have backups
So, you know, my second one was tyra banks.
Oh, yeah, i was into that, big forehead and all.
Just, america's next top forehead.
I was...
And then number three, rudy huxtable.
[Laughter]
Oh, yeah, shoot, in the '80s,
I know i ain't the only one.
She'd be sittin' on bill's lap,
I'd be fantasizing like i was bill.
[Imitating bill cosby] like, "oh, rudy."
[Laughter]
"Come give me a zerbert."
[Laughter]
And then number four was rosie o'donnell.
[Laughter]
No homo.
[Laughter]
Nah, honestly, i honestly have to say,
My wedding day was the happiest day of my life.
[Cheers and applause]
'Cause that's the day that i came up!
Cha-Ching!
[Laughter]
We gonna keep it real tonight.
Mariah got me.
[Laughter]
We are recession-Proof.
[Laughter]
Shoot.
¶ when a hero comes along ¶
[Laughter]
I'm tellin' you, keepin' it real tonight.
I know y'all were shocked on that day
Y'all heard about it.
Shoot, i was shocked.
Shoot, i was walkin' down the aisle, shocked.
[Laughter]
About to have sex with mariah carey!
[Laughter]
Jesus is real!
[Laughter]
Wet dreams do come true.
[Laughter]
That day was an amazing day, y'all.
I loved my wedding day.
The only thing is that we weren't able
To invite everybody that we wanted to invite,
'Cause it just happened so fast
And, you know, we got so many friends and family.
And, you know, like, my friends and family,
Some of 'em just don't know how to act.
Can't take 'em nowhere. You know the type.
Like, i wanted to invite my friend kanye west.
[Laughter]
'Cause you never know what kanye gonna do, right?
Kanye would probably show up to the wedding
In a glow-In-The-Dark teddy bear costume
With some video hos.
Kanye would probably jump onstage,
Right in the middle of the ceremony, right?
Like, "hey, yo, friend!"
[Laughter]
[Cheers and applause]
"Hey, yo, nick, i'm really happy for you!
"And i'm gonna let you finish!
"But jay and beyonce had the greatest wedding
Of all time!"
[Cheers and applause]
"I ain't sayin' you a gold digger."
[Laughter]
"But compared to mariah, you broke, nigga!"
[Laughter]
It's true. [Laughs]
[Laughter]
Man. It's beautiful, though.
People are finally starting to embrace our marriage now,
So it's cool, you know, 'cause for the longest,
They thought this was the longest episode of punk'd ever.
[Laughter]
Like, when is ashton coming out?
Nah, but because, you know, my wife is pregnant with twins,
So we getting all type of congratulations and stuff.
Yeah!
Everybody congratulating us, man.
See, y'all know it just--
Just caught me all the way off-Guard.
I had no idea.
Denzel washington came and hollered at me.
Yeah!
I didn't even know denzel knew who the hell i was.
It was kind of strange too, because denzel came up to me
And tried to give me marital advice
In the middle of a nightclub.
But you kinda got to listen
'Cause it's denzel washington, right?
And he came up to me smooth.
Like, you know, straight out of a movie.
Just like...
[Laughter]
[Cheers and applause]
"Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.
Nickelodeon."
[Laughter]
"My nigga."
[Laughter]
"Yeah, yeah, yeah.
"Yo, i'm proud of you, cannon.
"You--You--You-- You--You went out there
"And you went and got married.
"Yeah, i remember what it was like
"To have a pretty, young bride.
"You still ridin' that face-To-Face, huh?
"Yeah. Well, look here, cannon.
"You want to be a movie star? Huh?
"Do not lose your charisma.
"You--You--You see me?
"People magazine's sexiest man alive
Three years in a row."
[Cheers and applause]
"You know how i do that?
Practice."
[Laughter]
And i was like, "practice?
"Wait, hold on, mr. Washington.
"Are you saying us two married men
"Should be up in this nightclub
"Practicing hollerin' at chicks?
That's cheatin'."
That's when he lost it.
"I would never cheat on my wife!
"I love pauletta.
"She's the ebony of my essence,
"The jet beauty of my week.
"But see, see, sometimes in this business,
"You gotta get a little dirt on ya for people to trust ya.
"Yeah. You see that little, pretty tenderoni over there?
Yeah."
[Laughter]
"I do not want to have sex with that young lady.
"But she's a movie ticket buyer.
Watch me go give her some free popcorn."
And he walked over there smooth.
Denzel walk and everything.
[Laughter]
"Good morning, good morning, good morning.
Yeah, yeah. How are you doin', darlin'?"
She was like, "oh, my god! It's denzel washington!"
"Like, nah, nah, sweetheart. Call me zel.
Ha ha ha."
That's all he had to do.
He came back, "that's how you do it, cannon!
"That's how you do it!
Your turn."
[Laughter]
"That's right, i said it. Your turn!
"Man up, nigga, man up!
"Are you a man or are you a woman?
[Imitates dog howling]
[Laughter]
Y'all, i didn't know what to do.
I just bitched up right there.
"Denzel, i'm telling your wife!"
[Laughter]
Why did i do that?
That's when he just went
Award-Winning, long monologue denzel on me.
Just came up.
"No, you didn't.
"No, you disloyal, bitch-Made fool ass!
"Don't you know i'm denzel washington?
"Denzel, that's a brand name like pepsi.
"People know it and they stand by it
"Even if they don't know me
From the chairman of general mills"
[Cheers and applause]
"And you want to tell my wife?
"Nigga, that's trademark infringement!
"I'm denzel washington,
"One of the biggest movie stars of all time!
"Nigga, i got oscars!
King kong ain't got nothin' on me!"
[Cheers and applause]
Y'all see i watch
Way too many denzel washington movies, right?
[Cheering]
It's all good, though. Shoot.
Gotta take advice from denzel.
That's a true story right there, man.
Gotta listen to your elders, especially denzel,
'Cause he the only black actor still makin' money.
[Laughter]
That's real.
I'm telling you, black folks, we need to do something.
I don't know. It's kind of confusing to me.
'Cause when you think about it,
We dominate in sports and entertainment.
Our culture is so rich, you know what i'm saying?
We done been through so much as a people.
You know, white folks still on top, ain't they?
They is, but i figured it out.
I figured it out. I know what it is.
White people know how to have meetings.
[Laughter]
They are organized.
Ain't that right, uh, todd and tammy?
[Laughter]
He's like, "yep, that's right."
I bet you y'all had a meeting on your way here tonight, huh?
[Laughter]
Like, "meeting!
"We're gonna go see nick cannon, and darn it,
We don't want any malarkey!"
[Laughter]
"The show starts at 7:30.
We're getting there at 4:15."
[Laughter]
Right?
"We're gonna go in there and we're gonna know
"Where all the emergency exits are.
"Single file. Get a buddy.
"Hands in. On three. One, two, three, caucasians!"
[Laughter]
[Applause]
It's crazy how i knew that, right?
But we gotta learn from the white folks, y'all.
They organized. They know how to have meetings.
Black folks, we show up late for everything.
Shoot, we get a little bit of money, what we do?
We let our cousins be our accountants.
[Laughter]
We need to start having meetings like them white folks.
Shoot, even think about the government.
That's just one big meeting. That's all that is.
Congress? A big meeting.
That's probably how they got us over here in the first place.
Oh, yeah, black folks, we was probably over in africa
With our drums, celebrating, having a good time.
[African chanting]
[Laughter]
White people got off the boat, looked through the bushes.
[Laughter]
"Meeting!"
[Laughter]
"By golly, did you see that?
"That was amazing. What do they call that?
"Rhythm?
"We gotta get us some of that.
"We could capitalize off of this.
"Come on, we've got to get organized.
"Okay, first things first.
"Mary ellen, you go out there,
"'Cause i've got this strange feeling
They're gonna be easily distracted by white women."
[Laughter]
[Cheers and applause]
"When they're not lookin', zachariah,
"You grab the drums and go straight to the boat!
"I can see it now.
"We'll make music videos, albums.
"We'll steal their publishing.
We're gonna make millions!"
[Laughter]
Sports was probably the same thing.
You know what i mean?
They had us over here,
In the field on a plantation.
We was probably out there, working out,
Running back and forth.
Master came out, saw us running...
[Imitates gusting]
"Look at 'em go!
Meeting!"
[Laughter]
"Jumping gee whillikers,
"Did you see how fast he was running?
Imagine if we put some shoes on him!"
[Laughter]
"Okay, okay, wait, but we have to have
"Some organization, all right?
"We need to separate 'em into two teams.
"Home negroes against run away negroes.
"It's gonna be amazing.
"We'll put a ball in their hand,
"Throw some jerseys on 'em.
"Swoops on their shoes.
"They'll kill for it.
We're gonna make millions!"
[Laughter]
Food was probably the same thing.
Yo, y'all know black folks.
Shoot, they gave us the scraps.
Y'all remember.
But we just put a little seasoning on it.
We know how to make something out of nothin', right?
[Cheers and applause]
That's what it was. Shoot.
They gave us pig intestines,
And we made it taste like da shit.
[Laughter]
That's how they got they name.
Chitlins.
"Them the chitlins right there, girl."
Yeah, even breakfast food.
They gave us grain.
We made grits. Yeah!
Shoot, you know, that's exactly right.
White people capitalized off of that.
Probably early one sunday morning,
Master was walking past the cabin.
[Laughter]
[Sniffing]
"Meeting!"
[Laughter]
"I don't know what in the world
"Aunt jemima's in there cooking,
But we need to box it!"
[Laughter]
"While we're at it, uh, grab her uncle too, ben.
He's amazing with the rice."
[Laughter]
Oh, yeah, we need to have some meetings, man.
Matter of fact, we're gonna have a meeting here tonight.
It's gonna be the first meeting, black folks, all right?
[Cheers and applause]
White people, y'all invited.
Just keep quiet.
We do, man, just 'cause i don't like to get too deep,
But this is a true statistic right here, y'all.
In 1865, when slavery was abolished,
Black people were less than 1% of this nation's wealth.
Today, in 2011, black people are less than 1%
Of this nation's wealth.
We need to have a damn meeting!
We do!
Seems to me they try to fool us, though.
They try to fool us with the little oprahs
And, you know, the jay-Zs, michael jordan.
Think we got paper? Mm-Mm. Shoot.
For every oprah, there's two million broke-Ohs...
[Laughter]
Eating okra.
[Laughter]
We're gonna have some meetings.
Even reparations.
Who signed up for that?
Who negotiated that?
We didn't get it.
With the big 40 acres and a mule.
I can't put no rims on a mule.
What does--
I wish they would have did us
Like they did the indians.
You know, give me some casinos.
Keep the 40 acres.
Shoot, you imagine if black folks had a casino?
It'd be called canegroes.
[Laughter]
The only games black people know how to play?
- Spades. - Spades.
[Cheers and applause]
Dominoes.
Bid whist, tonk.
Red light, green light. Red light, green light.
[Laughter]
Pit bull fights.
[Laughter]
'Cause, you know, the indians did it right.
They got they casinos and they named them
After all of them beautiful indian names.
You know what i'm saying? Like borgata, the aztec.
Black people, we'd have to do the same thing.
"Hey, dog, i'm about to go down to the shaniqua."
[Laughter]
Shit, i hear they got all-You-Can-Eat sunflower seeds
Down at the taj jamal.
[Laughter]
Probably wouldn't even have no air conditioning
Up in there, right?
Just be a bunch of old ladies passing out church fans.
"Just play the game. Just play the game."
Probably wouldn't even have--
Wouldn't even have no slot machines.
Just be a bunch of crackheads lined up next to each other,
Talking about, "pick a hand, dog, pick a hand."
[Laughter]
Gotta get our money right, y'all.
We do.
Have some type of meetings or something.
That's why i don't let none of this go to my head.
None of this fame and money and stuff like that.
Uh-Uh.
I was taught to, you know,
Always stay grounded and keep god first,
You know what i'm saying?
Never change the way you were raised.
[Applause]
That's real talk, y'all.
That's why i had the same broke mentality
That i grew up with, for real.
I called it "hood habits."
That's right. Say it with me, y'all.
All: hood habits.
Tammy, you didn't say it.
[Laughter]
Tammy, i know it's probably a little confusing.
Hood habits. Let me translate it for you.
Trailer park tendencies.
[Laughter]
Now you know what i'm talking about, right, tammy?
Give me some. Here all night, baby.
'Cause it's the same thing.
Hood habits, trailer park tendencies.
Same thing. I still do the same stuff.
It don't matter.
I still be putting batteries in the freezer.
[Laughter]
It make the remote work longer, right?
Hood habits.
Shoot, if i walk past a pay phone,
Clank, clank, clank, clank, i'm checking.
[Laughter]
You never know when you might need an extra 35 cents.
It's real talk.
Shoot, i still be sneakin' food into the movie theatre.
[Cheers and applause]
You know?
Yeah, i'll show up to movie premieres,
I'll be in there popping soda cans.
Spish!
[Laughter]
Was that a soda can?
[Laughter]
My wife, she's classy.
She's trying to help me through all of this, man.
She takes me to all of these fancy restaurants.
Hate them foo-Foo, chi-Chi ass restaurants.
For real, 'cause i can't order nothin'
Off the damn menu without having to use a rosetta stone.
[Laughter]
It is, it's embarrassing.
I can't pronounce none of that stuff.
Even the desserts is hard to say.
A dessert to me is a good piece of wonder bread
With some cinnamon and some sugar
And some butter on that bad boy.
And you put it in that thing up under the oven,
That's a dessert!
Shoot, you call that cinnamon nigga-Crunch.
[Laughter]
Ooh, i love cinnamon nigga-Crunch.
[Laughter]
I'm telling you, man.
I don't know if this is a hood habit or not,
But it's something that i've noticed
Since i've been married.
Women, y'all have a lot of products.
Oh, man, what, y'all, ladies,
Y'all got all the products?
[Cheers and applause]
Damn, my wife, shoot.
Her bathroom wall just look like rite-Aid.
[Laughter]
She be putting on all these creams at night,
Before we go to bed,
Like we about to box or something.
[Laughter]
I just be grabbing stuff and squeezing it.
I don't care.
Picked up this stuff the other day.
This stuff was amazing.
Y'all might have heard of this stuff.
Uh, conditioner?
[Laughter]
No, for real. I asked my wife.
She's like, "yeah, baby, that's conditioner.
"You could use that.
"That's for the coarse areas of your hair.
You put it on there and it makes it softer."
[Laughter]
[Cheering]
So i put it on the coarsest hair that i got.
[Laughter]
And let me tell you, let me tell you!
My man bush is silky smooth.
[Laughter]
[Cheering]
Oh, yeah, i got good hair down there now, y'all.
Oh, yeah. I'm light-Skinned down there, too.
Matter of fact, i even put a part in the middle.
Just...
Looked like louis farrakhan down there.
"My brother, my brother."
[Laughter]
'Cause we didn't grow up with no conditioner
And shampoo and all of that stuff, did we?
We wanted to wash our hair, what would we use?
- Soap. - Dishwashing soap!
[Laughter]
Shoot, dishwashing liquid
Was a multi-Purpose product in my household, y'all.
Shoot, you'd use it as shampoo, bubble bath...
[Laughter]
Car wash.
Mouthwash.
You'd go to school smelling like lemon and plates.
[Laughter]
I make fun of my mom,
But she did the best with what she had.
[Woman cheers]
Man, don't scream for that.
That just means she cheap as hell.
She is. I know i ain't the only one.
Y'all have some cheap moms?
Clap if you have some cheap moms.
[Cheers and applause]
Okay, i know i ain't the only one in here.
Tammy and todd, you guys are not clapping.
"Like, we have no idea what you're talking about, negro."
[Laughter]
"We have mutual funds."
[Laughter]
I tell you as i see, that's probably 'cause y'all grew up
With all type of luxuries and stuff, right?
For real? - No.
- No, you say no, but i bet you your definition of a luxury
Is different from mine.
Like, you guys probably had luxuries
Like milk.
[Laughter]
Right? You had milk in your cereal, right?
Yeah. Now, what'd we have?
- Water. - Water.
See, and you probably had all them fancy cereals and stuff.
Cereals with the famous characters on it.
They had slogans and commercials and stuff.
Shoot, my mom bought cereal with characters on it
Ain't nobody ever heard of.
They were just bootleg characters.
Like, what are some of the cereal characters
That y'all grew up with?
[Audience shouting]
Cap'n crunch.
Not me. I had sergeant soggy.
[Laughter]
Just ol' discharged from the army.
Lost one arm in vietnam.
Crunch berries falling all out of his pockets.
[Laughter]
What's some other ones?
[Audience shouting]
Tony the tiger?
Shoot, i had tyrone the tiger.
And you know, tony the tiger was real enthusiastic
About his job.
He was happy to go to work
At the frosted flakes commercial, right?
He'd come out there and be like,
"They're grrrreat!"
Tyrone was like, "nigga, they a'ight."
[Laughter]
"Grrr nigrrr."
[Laughter]
I'd rather have me some grrrits.
[Laughter]
For real, just cheap for no reason, man.
Mom bought me--
And she would never, like, buy me toys that i wanted.
It was always, like, the bootleg version of the toy.
'Cause my mother used to travel far and wide
For a bargain.
This is true. This is no joke.
We lived in san diego, so my mother used to go
All the way down to mexico to buy my toys.
[Cheers and applause]
Don't clap for that.
For real, just--And man, i didn't find out
Till one day she bought me a see n say.
Y'all remember the see n says?
In the '80s, that was the toy to have.
It was educational. It was blue or red.
I was so excited when she got home from tijuana.
Oh, i was, man.
Shoot, i grabbed that thing, took it out of the box,
Pulled the string.
It started spinning and it landed on a cow.
That thing said, "la vaca."
[Laughter]
"La vaca dice, 'moo, moo.'"
[Laughter]
I was going to the zoo, confused as hell.
Like, "that ain't no cow.
"That's a la vaca.
Dice, 'moo.' Let's go."
[Laughter]
Yeah, i know, i know. Shut up.
There was cows in the zoo in my neighborhood.
[Laughter]
It was a tough neighborhood. Cows and pit bulls.
It was tough.
[Laughter]
I make fun of my mom, but honestly,
I wouldn't be standing on this stage tonight
If it wasn't for the sacrifices that my mother made, so...
[Cheers and applause]
She worked hard.
She had me while she was still in school.
Worked several jobs while raising me,
And i know it was hard raising me too,
'Cause i was bad, y'all.
I was a bad kid. Real bad, shoot.
Second grade, they diagnosed me with a.D.D.
A.D.H.D. Shoot, i was the high-Def version.
[Laughter]
[Laughs] for real, i was bad, y'all.
I was just bad for no reason.
Like, if you guys were ever bad in school
And then your mom, like, threatened you to, like,
"I'll come up off my job and come up there
"And embarrass you in front of your kids.
"Don't make me come from my job
And come up at that school."
Shoot, my mom was so young,
She used to come from her school to beat me.
[Laughter]
"I got p.E. Next period!
Messing up both our educations."
[Laughter]
Principal come over there, send us both to detention.
[Laughter]
"Your fault, mama."
[Laughter]
"Quit bullshitting and pass me a lunchable."
[Laughter]
It's true, though, man, and i actually have
So much more respect and admiration
And appreciation for my mom
Now that i'm getting ready to become a father,
'Cause just thinking about all the emotions
And the mental things you have to go through with that, man.
'Cause i ain't gonna lie to y'all, man.
I am horrified. Scared, y'all, of being a father.
And it probably ain't even a reason
Why y'all think i should be scared.
I'm scared that-- I hope they don't get
That badass gene that run through my family.
Nah, 'cause all the kids in my family are bad.
Just bad for no reason.
Y'all got bad kids in y'all family?
[Cheers and applause]
Oh, okay, i was checking, too,
You know, 'cause that mean y'all got
Some badass kids at home right now,
The you don't even care if they there
When you get back type bad.
Like, "i was at the comedy show,
And jesus just took him in his sleep."
[Laughter]
I'm telling you, y'all, just bad for no reason.
You ever meet them kids so bad that you want to just give 'em
Nothing but bad advice?
Like, "strangers got the best candy."
[Laughter]
"Why don't you go play hopscotch on the freeways?
Good for your agility."
It's no joke, y'all, because i got a four-Year-Old niece,
She is the devil reincarnated.
Her name is juicy.
[Audience ohs]
Yeah, exactly.
Just destined for the stripper pole, right?
[Laughter]
What else you gonna be with a name like juicy?
It ain't gonna be congresswoman juicy.
Gonna be coming to the stage,
Doing something strange for some change,
Juicy!
And see, the first problem is,
Her mama named her juicica.
Yeah, that's horrible. We'll come back to that later.
That's...
But see, she don't want you to call her by her full name.
You'll be like, "hey, juicica, how you doin'?"
"My name is juicy!
It just come out your mouth so loosely."
It's like, "you only four years old!
"Why you got little slut rhymes?
At four?"
Oh, y'all should see her, too.
Yo, i can't stand her.
She's still wearing a diaper,
Just bowlegged and pigeon-Toed,
All at the same time.
Just hair pulled up in little plastic barrettes,
Just hear her coming, just crsk-Crsk-Crsk-Crsk.
Crsk-Crsk-Crsk. Sound like a ghetto rattlesnake.
Just crsk-Crsk, crsk-Crsk-Crsk.
[Laughter]
'Cause you can't even take her nowhere.
Can't take her out in public
'Cause her little inner-Stripper want to come out.
Y'all know the type of kids i'm talking about?
Little kids that just like to get naked for no reason
And be all in the grocery store, just--
Just naked all around the produce?
Like, what is up? I don't understand that.
Like, we tried to take juicy to church last easter.
Oh, and you black folks, you know
When we go to church on easter, we go to church.
You know, we go get new outfits.
You know what i'm saying? Get your hair done.
You know, the little kids be onstage,
Doing they easter speech.
Here come juicy.
Crsk-Crsk-Crsk-Crsk.
Crsk-Crsk-Crsk.
And i gotta give it to her, 'cause she started off great.
She came out there in her cute little pink dress.
She was like...
[Laughter]
"Jesus is the reason for the season."
[Laughter]
"¶ ain't your mama pretty ¶
[Singing indistinctly]
¶ ain't your mama pretty? ¶"
"Get your bad ass off the stage, juicy!"
[Laughter]
Deacons was trying to tip her.
[Laughter]
Get the dollar out of the diaper. She's only four.
[Laughs]
I know. Why's she still wearing a diaper?
That is a shame.
Man, i hope my kids don't hang around juicy.
They will not be allowed, i'll tell you.
[Laughter]
I want to be a great father,
'Cause i got some good male role models in my life.
Even the bad ones are good.
For real, like my grandfather.
I wish i could introduce y'all to my grandfather.
Ooh, he is a 75-Year-Old thug.
Just real bent to the penitentiary and everything.
He's got that penitentiary swole still.
It look like he poppin' viagra and steroids
All at the same time.
Just big for no reason.
One of them old-School players from down south.
Always got his hand in his pocket.
You don't know if he gonna pull out a peppermint or a pistol.
[Laughter]
Just--Just gangsta.
And you know what?
He don't care about my money,
He don't care about fame, none of that.
He can't stand me, y'all.
'Cause i ain't gangster enough to be his grandson.
He'll tell you, too.
He'll be like, "oh, shoot, shoot, nuh-Uh.
"What, dude, uh, nick cannon?
"Shoot, ain't no grandson of mine.
"Shoot, he soft as baby shit. Boy, i'll tell you.
"Nah, man, see? See?
"'Cause i come from a long line of gangstas, man.
"A long line of gangsters.
"Shoot, shoot, i done been to the penitentiary.
"His daddy done been to the penitentiary.
"Where this boy been?
Nickelodeon!"
[Laughter]
"Messin' up the cycle, boy. That's what you're doin'!
"Shoot, run a red light. Get a misdemeanor!
"Something, boy!
"Shoot, nigga, lindsay lohan been to jail.
Nigga, you can't go?"
[Laughter]
"Hey, man, shoot, and even then you want to go out there
"And start some hip-Hop beef.
"Well, you know, you know what i'm talking about.
"With the boy. What's his name?
"Uh, uh, enema?
Lemina? Eminem. You know who i'm talking about."
[Laughter]
"Eminem. Nigga, what you messing with him for, man?
"Ain't he the number one great rapper out there right now,
"Doing it?
"You gonna go try to beef with him.
"Oh, and you lost too.
"Oh, yeah, you did, 'cause he said
"Some ol' just nasty,
"Just disrespectful, slanderous stuff
"About your wife, boy.
"And what you do?
"You gonna go on some damn twitter.
"Man, what's a twitter? I got a 9-Millimeter.
"You just tell me when to show up.
"Tweet tweet this heat.
"You know, follow these bullets.
That's what you would do."
I had to calm my grandfather down.
I was like, "pop, man, chill. I got this.
"Yes, eminem said some very disrespectful,
"Slanderous lies about my wife.
"But you know what? I'm a man.
"So i'ma handle it like a man.
"I'ma do the manly thing.
So i wrote him a letter."
[Laughter]
"A letter? Whatcha gonna do, nick? Paper cut him?
"See, no, man, see?
"If you supposed to be my grandson,
"I got to explain this to you, man.
"This ain't nothin' but an old-School problem, man.
"It's an old-School problem. That's all that is, man.
"Shoot, i'm old, man. I'm old.
"I'm so old i remember when rainbows was black and white.
"I'm old, nick. I'm old, man. I seen this before.
"That man eminem is just jealous
"That you got something he can't have,
"So you got to be the bigger and better man in the situation
"And show him that you are bigger and better than him.
"Do something that you bigger and better
"Than eminem at, man.
"Matter of fact, you know what?
"If it were me, i'd get on
"The first plane to detroit
"And i'd show up at the eminem house
"Butt-Ass naked.
"No, hold on.
"Nah, but hear me out, nigga.
"You gotta hear me out, man. That's all i'm saying.
"See, see, i don't know if you know this or not,
"But you are a black man and he is a white man.
"It is scientifically proven
"That you were blessed
"With some extra mandingage, all right?
I didn't name you cannon for nothin'."
[Laughter]
"Shoot, if it was me,
"I'd show up at the eminem house butt-Ass naked.
"Matter of fact, i'd ring the doorbell with my johnson.
Ding-Dong."
[Laughter]
Could y'all imagine if i took my grandfather's advice?
I'd be on tmz the next day in front of eminem house.
[Laughter]
"My--My grandfather told me."
[Laughter]
Man bush be all silky smooth.
[Laughter]
I am not that gangsta. Sorry.
Not a gangster at all.
Shoot i'm not. I'm not a gangster.
I smile for a living. I do.
America's got talent.
[Cheers and applause]
Nickelodeon.
And people get mad about that.
"Why you always smilin'?"
I'm smiling because i made it out the hood.
You know what i'm sayin'?
I'm smiling for all of us.
Shoot, this is the government cheese.
[Laughter]
Don't get it twisted.
I'm telling you, man, 'cause i tried. I really did.
You know, i tried to follow in my family's footsteps,
Make my grandfather proud.
Tried to join a gang.
For real. Tried to join the crips.
Just couldn't get that damn dance down.
Just turned into a riverdance after a while.
"This ain't it? I can't join? This ain't it?"
[Laughter]
Tried to join the bloods. That didn't work.
My mama kept messing up the damn laundry.
[Laughter]
She was mixing my red bandanas in with the whites.
I was showing up to school in pink khakis, boy.
They thought i was gangbanging for breast cancer awareness.
"Ta-Tas, fool."
[Laughter]
I'm telling you, man, but you gotta be yourself.
You can't dos it.
Actually, i even went so far,
I tried to join a mexican gang.
I did.
Just had too many places to be on time.
[Laughter]
I don't know if y'all know this or not,
But, like, mexican gang members,
The harder they are, the slower they walk.
You ever notice that?
[Laughter]
"What up, eh?"
[Laughter]
"Where you goin', homes?"
[Laughter]
Shoot, i met one, he must was the leader,
'Cause he wasn't going nowhere.
He was like a statue.
[Laughter]
"Wait up, fucker."
[Laughter]
[Cheers and applause]
No, thanks, but i'm not. I'm not a gangster at all.
I ain't gonna front.
Shoot, i even tried to be a pimp
At one point in my life.
Yeah, y'all see how that turned out.
This.
I'm the exact opposite.
I am a well-Behaved husband.
Yeah, ain't nothin' wrong with it, too.
Hey, i admit it.
My wife is the pimp.
Shoot, don't show up to mariah carey house late, boy.
Shoot, matter of fact, we better hurry this up.
[Laughter]
For real, you come to her house late,
Mariah be waiting at the door
Like goldie from the mack.
"Uh, little negro, where have you been?"
[Laughter]
"I'm so sorry, mariah.
"I was just out there, trying to make us some money."
"Money?
Heh heh heh heh heh heh."
[Laughter]
"Little negro, that ain't money."
[Laughter]
"Shoot, even my conversation is expensive,
So please pay attention."
[Laughter]
"Shoot, uh, 'cause you ain't gonna be coming up in my house,
"Disrespecting me, jack.
"Ain't gonna be none of that.
"I will smack you smooth across your head
"With one of these platinum plaques.
"Little nigga, can you buy that?
Who is you wit?"
That's her thing. That's what she always say to me.
"Who is you wit?
"Shoot, don't you know i am the greatest selling artist
"Of all time?
"I done topped the top list that done topped the top list.
I got hit-S-S-S-S-S-S-S."
[Laughter]
"And you just gonna walk up in here
Like i'm some regular bitch."
[Laughter]
"Who is you wit? Who is you wit?"
And y'all be seeing me.
Shoot, on the red carpets, i be playing my position.
[Laughter]
[Cheers and applause]
It's 'cause mariah done gave me
One of them good pimp pep talks
Before we got out of the car.
"Now, when i step through this door,
Eyes to the floor."
[Laughter]
"And if you see any of them hos,
"You better act like you blind,
"Or else they gonna be pullin'
"This six-Inch christian louboutin
"Out your motherfuckin' behind!
"Let's go!
Who is you wit?"
[Laughter]
It's just me and mariah.
[Laughter]
It be like babies and pacifiers.
That's pimp stuff right there, yo.
That's what it is and, oh, you know what? So what?
Damn right. I'ma hold my wife down.
That's what it's supposed to be.
That's what a union is about.
[Cheers and applause]
I don't care what the media say and all them people.
Hey, damn, so what?
Call me a boy toy.
Well, damn it, i'ma be the best damn boy toy
I can possibly be.
[Cheers and applause]
I'ma be the g.I. Joe of boy toys.
With the kung fu grip.
Never drop a purse.
[Laughter]
[Cheers and applause]
Damn right, man.
That's what love and the union is about.
Shoot, my wife is a gangsta, let her be a gangsta.
Even with the whole eminem thing,
I didn't have to do nothin'.
She handled it.
She made a dis record and it sold millions of copies.
Obsessed. Y'all heard that song?
I didn't have to do nothin'.
All i had to do was be in the background
Like a cheerleader.
"Give it up, boo."
"Yay, mimi!"
[Laughter]
Yeah, no homo.
[Laughter]
I'm telling you, man.
She handled that.
'Cause i mean, that's the thing.
People always come at me like,
The whole eminem thing.
I don't know. I try to be a gentleman about it.
How y'all think i handled it?
- You did good. - I did good?
[Cheers and applause]
Thank you.
I mean, there's always somebody
In the back, "hell nah, eh?"
- Hell... - See, there he go.
[Laughter]
There he go.
"Shoot in the head like tupac, eh?"
"Motherfucker, i'm gonna make sure all your kids don't come."
[Laughter]
[Imitates gunshots]
"I ain't a killer but don't push me."
I ain't no thug.
I don't even know how to take my shirt off
All the way.
Thugs know how to take they shirt off.
Can i take my shirt off real quick, y'all?
[Cheers and applause]
Okay.
Nah, see, see, i'm trying though, y'all,
'Cause i don't know if y'all seen me
A couple years ago, but this is an improvement.
I used to be skinny.
I don't know if y'all seen-- Shoot.
This used to be me.
[Laughter]
Look at that. Welcome to wild n out.
[Laughter]
That was me for real.
I'm telling you, man. It's cool, though.
That's how--How am i supposed to beef with eminem,
Be all--And i ain't no gangsta like that.
For real, and i guess, eminem has, like,
A legion of drunk white dudes
That just follow me around and scream obscenities at me.
And it's cool but, matter of fact,
We got any drunk white dudes in here tonight?
[Audience shouting]
See, y'all are--
I'm telling you, y'all know what's going on.
Drunk white dudes, they gotta call, y'all,
To let other drunk white dudes
Know that they in the vicinity.
Y'all ever heard it?
- Whoo!
[Laughter]
- Whoo!
[Laughter]
You know, it don't matter where you're at.
You can be in the club, dancing.
Just... ¶ doon doon tsh ¶
¶ doon doon ¶
"Whoo!"
"Get your shit."
[Laughter]
'Cause the drunk white dudes
Have officially taken over the party.
All the drunk white dudes, i gotta give it to you.
You guys know how to have one hell of a time.
Oh, yeah, i love y'all.
They do, because, you know, drunk white dudes,
They are extremely inappropriate
But strangely accommodating all at the same time.
You ever notice that?
They come up to you. They don't care.
They ain't scared of black people.
They don't care about the bouncer.
They'll come straight up to you.
"Bro, bro, bro."
I don't know why the hell they feel like
They can call us "bro" all the damn time too.
Like, "bro, bro, man, i'm cool, brother.
Soulja boy. I'm cool, bro."
[Laughter]
"Bro, i don't mean to interrupt
"Your cypher with your posse, bro,
"But my girl thinks you're nick cannon.
"No way!
"No, like, ¶ nick nick nick nick nick nick nick ¶
"That nick cannon?
"Oh, you suck, bro. No, no, no, no, no.
"I think you're freaking annoying,
"But my girl loves you, man.
"Matter of fact, why don't you take a picture with her?
"Come on, man, don't be such a lameass.
"You're not that freakin' famous.
"Come on!
Kaitlin, nick cannon. Nick cannon, kaitlin."
[Laughter]
"She's pretty hot, don't you think, bro?
Go ahead, touch her boobs!"
Like, strangely accommodating.
[Laughter]
"You got it, bro. What's mine is yours, man.
"Come on, party with us, man.
"What you drinking? We're drinking jagerbombs."
[Cheering]
Be like, "nah, man. I'm cool, man.
I don't, i don't drink."
"What you mean, man? We're in a nightclub.
"We're taking it back. We're getting shitfaced.
Whoo!"
"Look, man, i don't drink alcohol, man."
"Don't drink alcohol?"
"Nah."
"Oh, what? Mariah doesn't let you drink, bro?
Puss."
And y'all got to explain this to me.
What is it about drunk white dudes,
The drunker they get,
The more emotional they become.
You ever notice that?
It's the craziest thing.
They'll be like, "bro! Waah!"
[Laughter]
"I had no idea you were gonna be this freakin' cool, man."
[Laughter]
"Yeah, 'cause i was gonna come over here
"And say some really harsh stuff to you, bro.
Waah!"
[Laughter]
"So this hurts my heart to say this,
"But you know that show you're on,
"America's got talent?
Well, you don't got talent, bro."
[Laughter]
"You're just not funny.
"I'm funnier than you are.
Matter of fact, want to hear a black joke?"
[Laughter]
"Like, uh, lucas, i don't know if you know this or not,
But i'm black."
"Oh, don't worry, bro. I'll say it slow."
[Laughter]
"No, no, no, it's a great joke.
"Some of you guys have probably heard this.
"Here it is. All right.
"What's the word that starts with 'n'
"And ends with 'r'
"That you never want to call a black person?
Neighbor! Ha!"
[Laughter]
Todd, you were laughing
Entirely too hard at that joke.
Like, "i'm gonna tell that one tomorrow, bro!"
Ah, it's all good, man. Laugh it up.
That's what you supposed to do, baby.
That's what jokes are all about.
We too uptight in society right now, y'all.
We are. We gotta loosen up.
We gotta laugh a little bit.
Matter of fact, with, like, the whole "n" word thing.
Are we over that yet? - No.
- White people are like, "yeah,"
And the niggas are like, "hell nah."
[Laughter]
"Shoot, i'm still looking for mel gibson's ass.
Got rid of all my lethal weapon tapes."
Come on, y'all, it's 2011.
Can we get over this racism stuff?
[Cheers and applause]
Please!
We should end it.
Matter of fact, we could end it right here tonight.
It would be historical.
Y'all want to end racism tonight?
[Cheers and applause]
Tammy and todd.
[Laughter]
You better answer this shit right.
[Laughter]
The black people over there are like, "hey, hey, hey."
[Laughter]
Todd, do you want to end racism?
- Absolutely.
- He answered that quick as hell. "Absolutely.
[Laughter]
It's simple, man. It can be an historic night.
All you gotta do is one thing, todd.
Let me have your wife.
[Laughter]
He's like, "go ahead, i'll trade you."
We'd wife-Swap like 'em all, right?
[Laughter]
Nah, i'm jo--I'm playin'.
In all seriousness, all serious,
You only gotta do one thing, man.
Stand up, todd. Stand up, all right?
[Cheers and applause]
Give me a hug, todd. Come here, man.
[Cheers and applause]
All right, now, get off me. No homo.
Get off me.
[Laughter]
Y'all give it up for todd.
[Cheers and applause]
Todd and tammy for being such good sports.
[Cheers and applause]
I appreciate y'all. Really, i do,
Because i tried that same joke last week down south,
And that shit did not work.
Oh, no, man, oh, mm-Mm. Now, shoot, where was i at?
Uh, shoot-A-Nigger, tennessee.
[Laughter]
Shoot-A-Nigger, chattanooga, something like that.
It was--It was dangerous.
So, no, it was very, it was very dangerous.
And i was working hard too, y'all.
I was out there, doing all my impressions.
Tried to do the hug the white guy in the audience joke.
All of a sudden, the lights go out.
Shoooo.
You know me. I ain't but a buck 65.
I jumped in my karate stance.
I was--I was focused.
And all of a sudden, a dude got up in the background
And he was like, "hey there, colored boy up there
"On the stage from that movie 'drumstick,'
"We don't think you're funny, boy,
"Comin' up in here, doing impressions
"Of people we never heard of.
Who the hell is kanye twitty any damn way?"
[Laughter]
"Shoot boy, you look, when your kind come around here,
"We'll hang 'em out back.
"But boy, if you can do an impression of the king,
"Shoot, we'll let you go and you can have
All the watermelon and barbecue you want to."
[Laughter]
I was like, "the king? I can do the king.
The king is easy."
He was like, "go on, boy, and do the king."
So i got out there and i said,
"And we'll speed up that day where all god's children,
"Black men, white men, jews and gentiles,
"Protestants and catholics, will be able to join hands
"And sing the words of that old negro spiritual.
"Free at last, free at last,
Thank god almighty, we're--"
All: free at last!
- Thank y'all. [Mutters]
He was like, "boy, you know that ain't
What we're talkin' about!"
[Laughter]
"I'm not talking about your marcus luther."
[Laughter]
"I'm taking about the real king,
Elvis a. Presley."
I'm like, "elvis?"
Man, black people don't do elvis.
So i'm grabbin' all my stuff, trying to keep my dignity,
Getting ready to leave,
All of a sudden i hear some doors lock,
Like, tch-Chck.
And one of 'em said, "bubba, get the rope."
[Imitates elvis singing]
Thank you. Thank you very much.
Hey, y'all, that's been my time,
Las vegas!
[Cheers and applause]
- ¶ i feel like i'm famous ¶
- ¶ chill ¶ - ¶ we don't need no money ¶
- ¶ chill ¶ - ¶ we don't need no time ¶
- ¶ chill ¶ - ¶ we don't need no girls ¶
- ¶ chill ¶ - ¶ we don't need no diamonds ¶
- ¶ chill ¶ - ¶ we don't need no girls ¶
- ¶ chill ¶ - ¶ we don't need no car ¶
- ¶ chill ¶ - ¶ when the beat drops ¶
¶ show 'em you a superstar ¶
- ¶ bam bam, like you're famous ¶
¶ jump, jump like you're famous ¶
¶ shake, shake like you're famous ¶
¶ all right ¶
¶ reach out from this ¶
- ¶ just lookin' at you i can see a star ¶
¶ see a star ¶
¶ gotta tell you girl, i'm impressed by how you are ¶
¶ you are ¶
¶ everything is lining up perfect with no flaw ¶
¶ with no flaw ¶
¶ the only thing you need is someone like me ¶
¶ involved ¶
¶ so break your wall down ¶
¶ i know you been waitin' on me ¶
¶ just get rid of those clowns ¶
¶ and i will show you the way ¶
¶ stop hangin' around ¶
¶ and we can paint this town ¶
¶ until the lights come down ¶
¶ i know you can make you famous ¶
¶ mmm, girl, i can make you famous ¶
¶ best believe i can make you famous ¶
¶ ooh, girl, i can make you famous ¶
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